Sunday, May 27, 2012

Hemmed In

Last year I purchased Jackson a new pair of (kind of pricey) Boy Scout pants.  I bought them with room to grow (again, kind of pricey), which meant that I needed to have them hemmed up by a tailor.

I wish I sewed, but alas, I must pay to have someone else do these tasks.

I specifically asked the tailor to make sure to hem up the entire excess, so we could let them out as Jackson grew.  A couple of days later I went to pick up the pants.  Studying the hem job, I was alarmed because the hem was super small - like maybe an inch!

When I called her attention to it, she explained that she had folded up all the excess material into that tiny hem.  "It looks nicer that way," she said.  She was right.  Somehow she managed to squeeze all that extra material into a one-inch wide space.  Amazing.

And this is why I pay her the big bucks.


I feel squeezed into a one-inch wide space right now.

For the better part of six months I have been unable to drive.  I can't go to church, to restaurants, to the movies, to my kids' special events, to the grocery store...  and the list just goes on and on.

I spend most of every day either in bed or in an anti-gravity chair (THANK YOU, Matt and Emily!!).

Surrounding me are two tv trays and a small table.

They are cluttered with...

My Bible & Bible study materials

Novel(s) I am reading (there's usually at least three I'm dabbling in)

My wallet (for online shopping and reimbursing friends for various shopping errands they have run for me - THANK YOU, FRIENDS!!)

A package of Boogie Wipes and a box of Kleenex (for wiping noses-one mommy job I can't seem to pass off to said friends)

Four remote controls (yes, I said FOUR)

Games magazines (for the rare moments the drug fog lifts and I can work puzzles)

Notepads and pens (if I don't write it down the very SECOND I think of it.... it's gone)

Coffee mug (no explanation necessary)

And various other items I feel need to be within my reach.

**It's a good thing I love my house and the people in it.**

Even so, last week I decided to feel sorry for myself and threw a pretty classic pity party.

It happens.

I'm not claustrophobic, but I began to feel closed in.  My large living room, with its vaulted ceilings and many windows that allow natural light to flood in each morning, became narrow and oppressive.
Despair of ever feeling good again set in as I realized that I have become, in essence, a "shut-in."

I'm sure this sounds a bit melodramatic, but c'mon... six months is a long time, people.

And though I am DEFINITELY better, the end of this journey is most definitely not in sight.  I've got a long way to go.  A lot more days in this chair.

That's my reality.

And this truly settled on me last week.  Sooooo....

I consumed at least 3 pints of Ben & Jerry's ice cream (Triple Caramel Chunk is my new fav, but Phish Food will always have my heart.).  Dipped Hershey's dark chocolate bars into a jar of peanut butter every single day.  And lost myself in the world of Ashley Judd as Becca Winstone on ABC's Missing.

To name a few.

And then, after a good, cleansing ugly cry... I heard that still, small Voice.

I have hemmed you in.

And the picture of Jackson's Boy Scout pants popped into my mind's eye.  All that material, packed into that small space... just waiting to be released as Jackson grows.

I have hemmed you in.

I don't know what He's doing.  But for some reason, in this time, in this place, with these children and this amazing husband that I love, He has me hemmed in.  He has narrowed my spaces, eliminated almost every external distraction and forced me to be here... in this small place.

Trusting Him that this tiny measure of space is packed with potential.

You hem me in -- behind and before;
You have laid your hand upon me.
Such knowledge is too
wonderful for me,
too lofty for me to attain.

Psalm 139:5

Sunday, May 20, 2012

Random Thoughts...

I haven't blogged in forever.

It's hard to blog when it's hard to put a coherent thought together.

With the exception of 3 doctor's appointments and a ride through the Chick-Fil-A drive thru, I haven't been out of my house or out of a hospital in over four weeks.

Morphine makes me crazy.

My husband is amazing.

So are my children.

And my friends.

And my church.

And my mom.

And my step-dad.

I am having more good days than bad days... FINALLY!

Today isn't a good day, but it isn't really a bad day either.

I'm okay with an in-between day.

It's way better than a bad day.

I'm still on a LOT of medication.

Can you tell?

I've forgotten what I am really like.

I'm looking forward to re-discovering me.

I am COMPLETELY sure that God is near me.

He's all around me.  Beneath me.  Before Me.