Struggling Well

"Are you 'struggling well'?"

My pastor uses this phrase often.

I like it.  It's allowed for a necessary paradigm shift in my thinking.

We all struggle.  We grapple with sin, hopelessness, despair, frustration, depression, anger, jealousy... the list goes on and on.

But there's a sense of shame attached to the REALITY of this struggle.  We're not comfortable with these imperfections and feel the need to suppress them - at least I do.

I've spent a LOT of energy over my lifetime trying to cover up my struggles.  The end result has never been pretty.

What I like about the phrase "struggling well" is that it acknowledges that the struggle exists within me, but challenges me to battle it out in a way that is pleasing to God.

I can definitely say that I'm consistently struggling.

I wish I could say that I'm consistently struggling well.

Working on that.

Today I started a Bible reading plan.  Again.  I've lost count of the times I've STARTED a Bible reading plan - only to drop it a few days or weeks in because life is just so crazy busy.

I thought I'd make this blog a bit of an accountability partner for myself.  Putting it out there, so to speak.

Because the truth is... it's the Word of God that gives me the power to struggle well.  I can't do it on my own.  I just don't have it in me.

I don't know how well I'll do.  I don't want this to just be another thing to check off my "to do" list every day.  I want God's Word to be "life" for me.

But I think I'm going to have to just get in there, gut it out, and hope for the "life" part to come.

I'm using this as my resource:  http://www.biblestudytools.com/ and following the chronological sequence because I think it will be interesting to follow as I'm teaching the boys ancient (and medieval) history this year.  It'll be cool to see how it all fits together - and I think will open my mind and heart to more opportunities for teaching my boys and discussing truth with them.

But regardless of how well it goes along my history plan, the crux of the matter is that life isn't getting any easier, friends.

I need Him more than ever.

He's 12!

Jackson Mark Steele - my first born son - turned twelve this week.  I'm okay with it.  I really am.  What I'm NOT okay with is that this means he will be a TEENAGER in just one short year!

How is that possible?  It's happening too fast.

I adore this boy.

He is quirky, loving, kind, helpful and insanely smart.

Here's a conversation he had with his dad not all that long ago...

Jackson:  "Dad, I think God created me to change the world."

Mark:  "Wow, Jackson.  Yes, I believe He did.  He created you to change the world."

Jackson:  "Yep."

Several seconds of quiet...

Jackson:  "Through time travel."

This is my son.  I love who he is and who he is becoming.  

I love (and share) his passion for books.  

I love his persistence.  

I love his relentless curiosity.

I love that with his glasses on he can look a lot like Harry Potter.

I love that he sometimes acts a bit like Brick Heck.

He is a joy to raise and I am looking forward to the man he will become.

Just so long as it doesn't happen too quickly.

What I'm Reading

So, I'm one of those people that has a stack of books on her nightstand and beside her nightstand at all times.  It's hard for me to wait to finish one book before I start another.  I contradict myself, I know.  I am a perfectionist who has a hard time with unfinished tasks, but for some reason, books are a different monster.

I love them.  I can't get enough of them.

It's like chocolate.  If I've got in front of me a piece of Ghiradelli dark chocolate with caramel, M&M's, Dove dark chocolate and a Baby Ruth... I'm gonna have to have a bite of each one in order to be satisfied.  There's no choosing just one.

Books are the same for me.  There are so many wonderful choices, I just can't choose.  I have to dip into several at a time.  Occasionally, one will be so good that I am compelled to SOAK and finish it on its own. But that's rare these days.

Don't get me wrong.  I finish my books.  Most of the time.  It's not often that I put a book down never to pick it back up again.

That's where my perfectionism kicks in.  Leaving a book unfinished wears away at my soul.

For instance, right now I'm about two-thirds of the way through this...

It's killing me.

I'm a Dickens fan.  And it's killing me.  Let's just say it was appropriately titled.  I've put it aside for now.  I WILL get back to it.  But I may watch the PBS mini-series for inspiration before picking it back up.

I'm also reading this...

Again, about two-thirds of the way through it and it's truly wonderful.  But it's also brutally enlightening about the plight of the African people (a story about the Lost Boys of Sudan) and I can only take it in spurts.  When I read it, I feel compelled to DO something and yet, quite honestly, I'm not sure what to do.  So I put it aside, think, mull and pray.  Then I pick it back up a bit later with the hope that I will find a way to participate in bringing hope to the African people.  

And yes, I know that my pocketbook is a very good resource - and I use it.  But I want to do more.

My book club is reading this right now...

I'm loving it.  I'm only a few chapters in, but I find it fascinating.  I love books that immerse me in another time and place - one that's completely foreign to me.  I love learning about the experiences of other people groups around the world.  It challenges me and reminds me of all I have to be thankful for here in America.  This book is set in China in the 1960's and 70's during the "re-education" of the intellectual population by Chairman Mao.  Young boys (teens) are sent into the mountains, away from home and any chance of an education, in order to suppress this particular demographic.  Crazy.  I find myself thinking of what I was doing when this was happening in China.  

I find myself thinking of what kinds of things are going on in remote areas of the world while I go about my very comfortable existence - and it make me want to pray.  It makes me want to ACT.  And it makes me grateful.

Another book I'm reading is...

I'm reading this with two of my BFF's.  It's pretty challenging stuff.  Trying to replace chocolate with God.  That's not easy, my friends.  At least not for me.

And this one...

Three Moms and a Podcast http://threemomsandapodcast.podbean.com/ is currently in the middle of a discipline series and this book was mentioned several times by several moms in our discussion thread... so I picked it up.  Wow.  I wish I'd read this when Morgan was born.  I am being challenged to be a better parent.  I am learning to pull back and give my kids space to make mistakes (FAIL) and learn from them.  It's a good read.

Finally, I'm pretty much reading whatever good material on back surgery I can find.  Right now, I'm devouring this one...

Love the way this surgeon puts chronic back pain (and all the possible medical approaches to it) into layman's terms so I can make the best decision possible for me and my family.  It's the best one I've read so far.

I've got a couple more on my summer reading list and I'm hoping I can get to all of them.  I do have four children.  I am preparing to homeschool Jackson and Charlie (5th and 6th grade... no small challenge) this year.  One of those four is a busy toddler, the other a busy teenager.  And let's face it, they're all busy.

We'll see.  But here they are in case you're interested...

Yes, I'm an overachiever.  But surely that doesn't surprise you.  It's what makes me ME.

Fourteen

My daughter.

My oldest.

My Morgan.

She turned 14 last week.

This girl is a bright light.  She is wise beyond her years.

She brings me joy.

She comes down the stairs in the morning ready to share a cup of coffee with me and ALWAYS asks me if I slept well the night before.

She dances with her baby brother.

She sings.  All the time.

She's the perfect mix of girly and tomboy.  This grown-up tomboy is so grateful for that.

She deeply cares about people.

She is beautiful.  Inside and out.

Happy Birthday, Morgan.  I love you very much.

Colorado

We just returned a couple of days ago from a week long visit to Colorado.  Can I just say I LOVE this place?  It's funny because we didn't really do that much this time around - not really practical to camp, white water raft, climb mountains, etc... when you have a toddler along for the ride.  But, there's just something about BEING there that's good for my soul.

Maybe it has to do with the beauty that's all around me when I'm there.

Or that when the sun goes down, you pretty much need a sweatshirt or a fire nearby in order to stay warm... even if the temps have been in the 90's during the day.  LOVE that.

Or that this is the place where Mark and I met and fell in love.

Or that this lovely lady lives here... friends for 22 years.  So thankful.

Or that my "baby" brother and his family call this place home and I love them very much.

But I think mainly it's because being here reminds me of how small I am... and how big God is.

And I feel more thankful.  More peaceful.  

More connected with the One who made me and understands me.

Thank You, God, for making Colorado.

And Just Like That...

He's TWO!!!

TWO!!!!!!

We celebrated his birthday "simply" with family.  He's not big on parties.  Not yet, anyway.  He will be.  He's a Steele.

I can't believe he's two.  

We're enjoying him so much.  His language has been a bit delayed, but the explosion of words is beginning and it is SO MUCH FUN.  

I love the "Nigh, Nigh, Mommy's" and the "Hi, Sissy's" and the "Joosh's" - I love baby talk.  Especially when I can understand it.  

As the Big Three grew and developed through the toddler and preschool years, I mourned each milestone.  

Especially with Charlie.  He really was the cutest kid on the planet.  Seriously.  

I mean, come on.  It doesn't get much cuter than this.

Or this.

O.  M.  G.

Seriously.  I'm crying.

I think the "milestone grieving" came because deep down in my heart I just wasn't done.  There was a desire for another.

With David, I find myself enjoying him immensely but CELEBRATING each little step he takes towards independence.

Guess that means I'm done.  

Here are a few birthday pics so you can revel in David's cuteness.  

Birthday present!

Playing at the park

Hating the birthday song

REALLY hating the birthday song... and the birthday cupcake... and the birthday candles.

And back to the cuteness!

Persistence and Perspective

Most of my friends would say I'm stubborn.

I prefer to call myself persistent.

When I want something, I'm pretty tenacious about making sure I get it.  When I set a goal for myself, I push and push until I reach that goal.

This works out pretty well for me.  I'm by nature a doer and so I'm internally motivated to "do" until it gets done.  That makes for a lot of personal gratification at the end.

And I really like feeling gratified.

It's a little trickier when my tenacity is connected to my belief system - especially when what I believe isn't really working for me.

It's hard for me to let it go.  Change my perspective.

I find myself hitting my head against the proverbial wall, if you will.

I've been doing a lot of that lately.

For the last ten years I've been fighting to stay off an operating table.

I have a lousy back.

I have tried just about every conservative approach to my problem (a MILLION chiropractors, acupuncture, yoga, exercise, pain management, physical therapy).

I have believed I could find a way to lift the limitations on my life that come from chronic back pain.  I have believed that the harder I worked at therapy, the more I would be able to do what I want to do.

This hasn't happened.

And I've found that another (less lovely) aspect of my persistent and tenacious (read:  STUBBORN) nature has a tendency to kick in when things aren't going the way I think they should.

When things don't go my way, I pout.

Yes, I'm the snotty-nosed kid crouched in the corner with her arms folded and her lips sticking out.

Ugly, isn't it?  Sometimes the truth just is.

So, the other day one of my therapists, Maegan, pretty much stopped me in my tracks when she said, "I think you need to get some perspective."

After I swallowed my pride, pulled myself out of the corner, unfolded my arms, and did some deep breathing, we had a little talk about reality.

It's not easy being told hard things that you don't want to hear, but there's something a little freeing about it, too.  Perspective, for me, helps define my place of peace.  There's a release that comes with acceptance - even in the midst of grief and disappointment.  I can move forward with some reasonable expectations and that helps me move towards peace.

"You will never be pain free."

"Even if we're able to reduce your pain, you will always have limits on what you should physically do."

"Surgery isn't something you should take off the table."

Yeah, these are cold hard facts.  I don't like them.  I've cried many tears over them.

But here's the thing... this big dose of reality got me thinking.

My persistent nature might come in handy if I applied it more readily in my prayer life.

I was reminded yesterday of the parable of the persistent widow.  The Bible says that Jesus told this parable to the disciples so that they would remember to "always pray and never give up."

It's funny that someone as stubborn as I am about pretty much every other thing can be so quick to give up on prayer.  On what God can do.

I'm a bit jaded, I'll admit it.  I don't like the vulnerability that comes with laying it all out before God with the hope that He'll come through for me the way I want Him to.

I'm more of a "sure thing" kind of girl.

But that widow kept going back to a judge who really didn't care about her at all - finally driving him to the point of exasperation so that he did what she asked of him.

And I absolutely know that God cares about me.  He's done a really good job of that all along.

It was risky for the widow to go back again and again and again.  I'm sure she worried that at some point that guy was going to blow up all over her.  But she kept going back anyway.  She wanted what she wanted that badly.

I don't know if my back will ever be better - be healed.  That's hard for me - and praying for something different feels risky.

But I want it badly.  I'll keep trying the things on earth that I can try - and I'll try to adopt the perspective of the widow and be as persistent with my prayers as I am with my actions.