Thursday, January 5, 2012

The Ride

Tomorrow marks five weeks since my surgery.  It's been quite a ride.

I was told by my doc that it would be a roller coaster ride; but the thing is, roller coasters are fun.

This is so not fun.

Well, actually, there is one roller coaster ride that might come close to this experience.

Ever been to Disney World?

The Steele Family LOVES Disney World.  Mark and I have been three times since we were married and would go more often if it weren't so darn expensive.  The first time we went was before we had children.    It was great because we could go at our own pace and got to ride pretty much everything. 

I LOVE all the roller coasters.  Space Mountain, Thunder Mountain, Expedition Everest.

All of them...except for one.

The Rock 'n' Roller Coaster at MGM Studios is a NIGHTMARE.

This coaster blasts off and whips around in the dark doing twists and turns for what seems like an eternity.  And the worst part is that you have speakers up against both ears BLASTING Aerosmith at full volume the entire time.

Aerosmith isn't the problem here.

The problem is that your senses are being hit at once at the maximum possible level and it's just completely overwhelming.

And I hated it.

And that's pretty close to recovering from back surgery.

I knew I was facing weeks of rest and healing.  I knew there would be pain involved.

I just didn't realize the intensity would be so overwhelming.

So all consuming.

I had this long list of things I thought I would be able to do during recovery.

1. Read several books.
2. Finish the Bible study I never finished in the fall.
3. Catch up on my daily Bible reading (I don't dare tell you how far behind I am now).
4. Finish David's Christmas stocking.
5. Finish the certification process I've been working on since the fall for the writing curriculum I teach.
6. Spend quality time with my children.
7. Watch Friday Night Lights.
8. Redesign my blog and blog more.
9. Work on David's baby album.
10. Have some deep, revelatory God moments.

None of these have happened.

The "ride" is so all consuming that I can't seem to focus on anything for any length of time.

I know there's an expectation that God is using this time to teach me new and life-changing lessons, but I have to be honest and say that although I do believe these will come... they aren't happening yet.

I'm too foggy.  Too distracted by pain and what it takes to get through the day to really be able to connect with God in a deep and meaningful way.

It's kinda discouraging at this point.

But I'm still on this ride and it isn't going to stop for some time.


I keep throwing out short, simple prayers for strength, for grace, for patience, for hope.  And I keep a list of those in my life that I care about next to me so that I can throw out prayers for their needs (and for a moment get my mind off mine).

And as I twist and turn with the loops of this roller coaster, prayers (no matter how simple they are) remind me of how loved I am.  By so many.

But more importantly, by the Father God.

And I remember that He's got me buckled in tight.