Hemmed In

Last year I purchased Jackson a new pair of (kind of pricey) Boy Scout pants.  I bought them with room to grow (again, kind of pricey), which meant that I needed to have them hemmed up by a tailor.

I wish I sewed, but alas, I must pay to have someone else do these tasks.

I specifically asked the tailor to make sure to hem up the entire excess, so we could let them out as Jackson grew.  A couple of days later I went to pick up the pants.  Studying the hem job, I was alarmed because the hem was super small - like maybe an inch!

When I called her attention to it, she explained that she had folded up all the excess material into that tiny hem.  "It looks nicer that way," she said.  She was right.  Somehow she managed to squeeze all that extra material into a one-inch wide space.  Amazing.

And this is why I pay her the big bucks.

*******

I feel squeezed into a one-inch wide space right now.

For the better part of six months I have been unable to drive.  I can't go to church, to restaurants, to the movies, to my kids' special events, to the grocery store...  and the list just goes on and on.

I spend most of every day either in bed or in an anti-gravity chair (THANK YOU, Matt and Emily!!).

Surrounding me are two tv trays and a small table.

They are cluttered with...

My Bible & Bible study materials

Novel(s) I am reading (there's usually at least three I'm dabbling in)

My wallet (for online shopping and reimbursing friends for various shopping errands they have run for me - THANK YOU, FRIENDS!!)

A package of Boogie Wipes and a box of Kleenex (for wiping noses-one mommy job I can't seem to pass off to said friends)

Four remote controls (yes, I said FOUR)

Games magazines (for the rare moments the drug fog lifts and I can work puzzles)

Notepads and pens (if I don't write it down the very SECOND I think of it.... it's gone)

Coffee mug (no explanation necessary)

And various other items I feel need to be within my reach.

**It's a good thing I love my house and the people in it.**

Even so, last week I decided to feel sorry for myself and threw a pretty classic pity party.

It happens.

I'm not claustrophobic, but I began to feel closed in.  My large living room, with its vaulted ceilings and many windows that allow natural light to flood in each morning, became narrow and oppressive.
Despair of ever feeling good again set in as I realized that I have become, in essence, a "shut-in."

I'm sure this sounds a bit melodramatic, but c'mon... six months is a long time, people.

And though I am DEFINITELY better, the end of this journey is most definitely not in sight.  I've got a long way to go.  A lot more days in this chair.

That's my reality.

And this truly settled on me last week.  Sooooo....

I consumed at least 3 pints of Ben & Jerry's ice cream (Triple Caramel Chunk is my new fav, but Phish Food will always have my heart.).  Dipped Hershey's dark chocolate bars into a jar of peanut butter every single day.  And lost myself in the world of Ashley Judd as Becca Winstone on ABC's Missing.

To name a few.

And then, after a good, cleansing ugly cry... I heard that still, small Voice.

I have hemmed you in.

And the picture of Jackson's Boy Scout pants popped into my mind's eye.  All that material, packed into that small space... just waiting to be released as Jackson grows.

I have hemmed you in.

I don't know what He's doing.  But for some reason, in this time, in this place, with these children and this amazing husband that I love, He has me hemmed in.  He has narrowed my spaces, eliminated almost every external distraction and forced me to be here... in this small place.

Trusting Him that this tiny measure of space is packed with potential.

You hem me in -- behind and before;

You have laid your hand upon me.

Such knowledge is too

wonderful for me,

too lofty for me to attain.

Psalm 139:5

Random Thoughts...

I haven't blogged in forever.

It's hard to blog when it's hard to put a coherent thought together.

With the exception of 3 doctor's appointments and a ride through the Chick-Fil-A drive thru, I haven't been out of my house or out of a hospital in over four weeks.

Morphine makes me crazy.

My husband is amazing.

So are my children.

And my friends.

And my church.

And my mom.

And my step-dad.

I am having more good days than bad days... FINALLY!

Today isn't a good day, but it isn't really a bad day either.

I'm okay with an in-between day.

It's way better than a bad day.

I'm still on a LOT of medication.

Can you tell?

I've forgotten what I am really like.

I'm looking forward to re-discovering me.

I am COMPLETELY sure that God is near me.

He's all around me.  Beneath me.  Before Me.

Thankful.

The Ride

Tomorrow marks five weeks since my surgery.  It's been quite a ride.

I was told by my doc that it would be a roller coaster ride; but the thing is, roller coasters are fun.

This is so not fun.

Well, actually, there is one roller coaster ride that might come close to this experience.

Ever been to Disney World?

The Steele Family LOVES Disney World.  Mark and I have been three times since we were married and would go more often if it weren't so darn expensive.  The first time we went was before we had children.    It was great because we could go at our own pace and got to ride pretty much everything. 

I LOVE all the roller coasters.  Space Mountain, Thunder Mountain, Expedition Everest.

All of them...except for one.

The Rock 'n' Roller Coaster at MGM Studios is a NIGHTMARE.

This coaster blasts off and whips around in the dark doing twists and turns for what seems like an eternity.  And the worst part is that you have speakers up against both ears BLASTING Aerosmith at full volume the entire time.

Aerosmith isn't the problem here.

The problem is that your senses are being hit at once at the maximum possible level and it's just completely overwhelming.

And I hated it.

And that's pretty close to recovering from back surgery.

I knew I was facing weeks of rest and healing.  I knew there would be pain involved.

I just didn't realize the intensity would be so overwhelming.

So all consuming.

I had this long list of things I thought I would be able to do during recovery.

1. Read several books.
2. Finish the Bible study I never finished in the fall.
3. Catch up on my daily Bible reading (I don't dare tell you how far behind I am now).
4. Finish David's Christmas stocking.
5. Finish the certification process I've been working on since the fall for the writing curriculum I teach.
6. Spend quality time with my children.
7. Watch Friday Night Lights.
8. Redesign my blog and blog more.
9. Work on David's baby album.
10. Have some deep, revelatory God moments.

None of these have happened.

The "ride" is so all consuming that I can't seem to focus on anything for any length of time.

I know there's an expectation that God is using this time to teach me new and life-changing lessons, but I have to be honest and say that although I do believe these will come... they aren't happening yet.

I'm too foggy.  Too distracted by pain and what it takes to get through the day to really be able to connect with God in a deep and meaningful way.

It's kinda discouraging at this point.

But I'm still on this ride and it isn't going to stop for some time.

So....

I keep throwing out short, simple prayers for strength, for grace, for patience, for hope.  And I keep a list of those in my life that I care about next to me so that I can throw out prayers for their needs (and for a moment get my mind off mine).

And as I twist and turn with the loops of this roller coaster, prayers (no matter how simple they are) remind me of how loved I am.  By so many.

But more importantly, by the Father God.

And I remember that He's got me buckled in tight.

My "Must Reads" List - Not Necessarily a Top Ten and Not Necessarily in a Particular Order

That would take too much brain power - and I'm running low on that these days.

I've had a few people asking for book recommendations and since I've got a little (read - a LOT) of time on my hands, I thought I'd put a little "Must Read" book list together.  Please note:  I am on a LOT of pain medication so my brain is pretty fuzzy these days.  I guarantee you I will leave books out - I just hope I end up spelling everything correctly.  :)

Disclaimer:  Right now I am giving the Twilight series a go.  It is mindless, poorly written and I would NEVER personally recommend them to anyone.  But I'm having fun reading them.. :)

1.  Unbroken by Laura Hillenbrand.  Mark bought me this book for Christmas last year and I put it on a shelf and forgot about it.  Then, Molly told me about this amazing book she was devouring and said that I MUST read it and when I mentioned it to Mark he kindly reminded me that he had given it to me LAST YEAR.  Oops.  It's fantastic, people.  A true story about a WW2 airman whose plane went down over the Pacific Ocean.  He floated on a raft (with no supplies) for close to 50 days and when he finally reached land, he was captured by the Japanese.  READ THIS BOOK.

2.  To Kill A Mockingbird by Harper Lee.  Favorite book of all time.  You've probably all read it, but if you haven't don't want another minute.  Get it.  Read it.  

3.  The Hunger Games Trilogy by Suzanne Collins.  This is teen fiction, but it's way more than that.  It's a statement on society.  And it's fun.  And it's GREAT discussion material.

4.  Run by Ann Patchett.  I have read this book twice in the last couple of years.  I think it's a beautiful story.  It's set in Boston and it's about family, grief and loss, hope and the power love has to heal.

5.  Watership Down by Richard Adams.  This is fantasy and is SOOOOO good.  I discovered this book in 9th grade.  It's full of adventure and is just a smart book.  

6.  A Tree Grows in Brooklyn by Betty Smith.  Depression era (I think - can't remember) story about a girl living in poverty, coming of age, love and family.  One of my favorites ever.

7.  Anything by Charles Dickens.  I love him.  So much.  (except for Bleak House... it's appropriately titled)

8.  The Guernsey Literary and Potato Peel Pie Society by Mary Ann Shaffer and Annie Barrows.  OMG - how I LOVED this book!!!  Couldn't put it down.  Post WW2 story about a British island (occupied by the Nazis) that is very much removed from all that is going on after the war - and how a writer from London comes to be there - and what happens when those two worlds collide.  Love it, love it, love it.

9.  Gone With the Wind by Margaret Mitchell.  Do I really need to explain why this is a MUST READ?  Seriously.  If you've never read it, put it on your bucket list.

10.  Uncle Tom's Cabin by Harriet Beecher Stowe.  Beautiful.  Sad.  IMPORTANT.  Read it.

This is a start, friends.  You've probably read all these.  Most of them have been around for ages.  And yes, I'm old school.  I'm not much for pop fiction.  More of a classics kind of girl.  But these are all wonderful.  If you want more suggestions, I'm just a Facebook message away.  :)

Friends in Low Places

This recovery journey is HARD.  I thought I was prepared.  I did so much reading online and in books about what to expect after a surgery like this one and I really thought I understood what I was getting into.

Nope.

Not a clue.

And what has been most surprising to me is how completely dependent I have had to be in absolutely every area of my life.

For the first eight or nine days I couldn't do anything on my own.

Not.  One.  Thing.

Now I'm able to do a little bit without help and it's so liberating!!!

I am one of the most independent people on the planet.

Not kidding.

So this dependence has been a bit of a drag.

But at the same time, I am experiencing love in a whole new way.

Mark has been so gentle.  So patient.  So kind.  He has taken over so many of my daily tasks as well as taken care of the majority of my daily needs - all with a grace and strength that astounds me.  In the hospital, as he was helping me with some laborious and painful task, Mark looked me in the eyes and said, "I can totally do this for you in your old age."  It was a beautiful, beautiful moment.  And I was so humbled by his sincerity.  And I realized just how much he loves me.

My mom has prepared food, helped me shower, made lunches for my children, helped my children with school work/homework, cleaned out my refrigerator and my pantry, done laundry... and on and on and on.  And she's done it with a bounce in her step and a smile on her face.  She's been tireless.  I'm amazed.

My friends....WOW.

Here's a list of just some of the things they have done:

1.  Arrived at the hospital the day of my surgery at 6:15AM and stayed there until I was settled comfortably in my room after surgery - which was somewhere around 4:00PM (I was a little out of it at the time).  They brought coffee, lunch, dinner.  Kept me company when Mark went home to shower and see the children.

2.  Didn't laugh at me or tease me when I found out, much to my dismay, that I was going home with a walker.  (Well, most of my friends didn't laugh or tease...)

3.  Went to the Relax the Back store and bought me a bed wedge to make my long days in bed more comfortable... and wouldn't let me pay for it.

4.  Brought me cookies.  Lots and LOTS of cookies.

5.  Went to Sam's for me.

6.  Went to the grocery store for me MULTIPLE TIMES.

7.  Did my Christmas shopping.  Wrapped my Christmas presents.

8.  Picked up my daughter's contacts at the eye clinic.

9.  Put together a spreadsheet and organized help for me in my house every single day until Mark is off for Christmas.

10.  Picked up my big boys for play dates.

11.  Took my baby boy on fun outings.

12.  Brought me a bag full of movies, candy and trail mix so that I would never lack for entertainment.

13.  Made me homemade Pumpkin Pie ice cream.  Divine.

14.  Brought my family a meal.  Or more than one meal!

15.  Picked my daughter up from rehearsal EVERY SINGLE DAY and brought her home.

16.  Took a half a day shift or a day long shift here at the house... cleaning, preparing food, taking care of children, changing poopy diapers, baking banana bread and muffins for me.

17.  Spent time with me talking, crying, laughing, beating me at cards, and encouraging me to keep the faith on the hardest of days.

18.  Chatted with me on Facebook, sent me prayers and words of encouragement online that lifted my spirits.

19.  Cracked jokes with me via text, Facebook or email - that made me laugh OUT LOUD and we all know that laughter is the best medicine.

20.  Brought me lattes and Cherry Limeades.

Really, I could go on and on.  I am so humbled and grateful.

I am in a low place right now, but I'm not there alone.  And all of these expressions of love during this time remind me that God is near to me.

And I'm so thankful for that.

I'm Being Watched

So it's probably going to be more like a "Two Year Bible Reading Plan."

At this rate, I'm thinking I'll feel pretty good if I can read through the Bible in a decade.

I may even need to change the name of my blog from "I'm Steele Standing" to "I'm Steele Sitting."

I'm not doing much standing these days.

Finally had that back surgery I've been avoiding all these years.

Good times.

I am now pretty much totally dependent on others for absolutely everything.

Like I said... good times.

I know there is much to be learned during this season.  I'm up for learning it.  But the truth is, right now I'm so hopped up on pain medications and so overwhelmed by even the smallest of tasks, that digging into the spiritual applications of what I'm going through is pretty much out of the question.

I'm just trying to get through each day with some semblance of dignity and grace.

I know I'm being watched.

My children are watching and learning from me - about suffering, about pain, about the limitations that eventually come our way and how to deal with them, about letting go.

I hope and pray that I can show them how to hope in the midst of struggle.

I hope and pray that God will make Himself more known to all of us through this season.

And I look forward to standing again soon.

A Little Behind

TEN days.

It was bound to happen, right?

I'm ten days behind.

The Type A in me (which is a solid 95%) is so ashamed.

I never wanted this daily Bible reading to become another item on my list to check off, but here I am, very much out of sorts because those little "checks" aren't happening.

Guess this is why I should be reading my Bible.

I think I have some good excuses, though.

I homeschool.

My daughter's high school homework load has been astronomical and has kept us both up late on many a night this last month.

It takes a significant amount (but not more than is prescribed, mind you... not even as much as is prescribed - thought you'd want to know that) of pain medication for me to function at a reasonable level these days - and unfortunately, a big side effect of the med is a good deal of brain fogginess.  Hard to concentrate.

I did a little traveling.  :)

Mark and I took a 6 day getaway to New York City last week.

It was glorious.

We have dreamed of and planned for this trip for many, many years.  In fact, the trip was scheduled for the fall of 2008 - when we unexpectedly found we were EXPECTING and so getting through another pregnancy became the focal point of our lives.

So three years later, we finally got to take our trip.

It was everything we hoped and prayed it would be.

The weather was perfect.

The city was fascinating.

The shows were wonderful.

The man I was with is the love of my life.

We had time together like we haven't had in YEARS.

Liberty Island

Top of the Rock

American Museum of National History

Central Park

It was time well spent and I think God was smiling on us.  

So what if I'm a little behind, right?