I'm struggling a bit.
I hesitate to post about this because I'm not sure what you (whoever "you" are) will think of me. I know I could journal it and keep it private; but I'm going to keep things real and put it out there.
Some days it's really hard to be a 41 year old mother of a toddler.
And I know it's incredibly selfish for me to feel this way.
He's amazing. He's adorable. He's a gift to me. And I'm crying as I write this. The Lord spoke so clearly to me when we found out we were unexpectedly expecting another child and I was thrown by the news... "This is a GIFT from Me to you."
And he is.
But it's hard to find myself back in the very limiting toddler phase of life when most of my peers are experiencing the freedom that comes with older children. Lunches during the school day with friends (at a grown-up restaurant). Afternoon movies. Weekend getaways with husbands. Date nights. Date DAYS. All of these remain fairly out of my reach.
Homeschooling doesn't help the situation.
Generally, I'm okay with it. I find that if I stay in a place of gratitude my perspective more closely resembles His perspective. And I really do have so much to be grateful for.
But there are days...
And today is one of those days.
So, I'll have another cup of coffee.
And one or two Dove dark chocolate eggs.
Or three.
And go play with my baby.
I know he won't be a baby all that long.
I've got three big kids to prove it.
Right there with you. I keep having babies while many of my peers are done. I am at home 90% of the time. Our date nights are in our bedroom with the Mac on the bed--we attempt to watch TV and movies unless someone is screaming their head off. I hear my friends talking about family vacations (which I can't even FATHOM with 5 car seats in our van). This is a hard stage of the journey, but it is also really short (comparatively) and special. I know it will get better. I love the independence Sam and Maryn have. LOVE it. Homeschooling does throw a kink in. I've considered putting them in school so I would be "freer," but I just can't do it. Kaysie, you are such an inspiration to me. I love that we are friends and that you're 10 years ahead of me. Your life is so rich and such an example for me while I'm in these "little kid" years. Thanks for being real. I need that!!!!
ReplyDeleteKaysie, Thanks for being real. I understand where you are coming from. We are looking at homeschooling options and I know that I will have little freedom if we take this adventure. Having a thankful heart does make ALL the difference. Living in San Antonio we don't have the luxury of having family watch our kids for us and there are not many people we trust to watch our children. We have a lot of movie date nights at home.
ReplyDeleteKays- I can't believe you've gone THIS long without complaining or shedding a tear over this tough situation. It DOES help that he's adorable... but I can totally still see where you are coming from. It doesn't negate his gift-ness that this is hard sometimes.
ReplyDeleteYou are strong and God-in-you is even stronger.
Glad you are my friend.
I've lived your life my friend! I have to tell you that it gets so much better. And, you will be free to do getaways and such sooner than you think. Morgan is so responsible. Your boys are amazing. I remember taking the first getaway after the second set. Julia was about 2. Josh would have been 5. Mandi 17 and Melissa 19. Olders are on their own now. Josh is 13, Julia 10. We have great dates that they encourage while they fix dinner for themselves (and clean up!) like PROS! Once in awhile David and I look at each other and whine a bit for the business trips I could accompany him on if not for the littles, but these days we look with wonder at what life would be like if we didn't have the joy they bring so regularly as they grow and become responsible for themselves in so many ways. Your David is a gift you will keep unwrapping with wonder as the future unfolds. Trust me.
ReplyDeleteI totally get it, my friend. Sorry to be one of those "free friends" (okay, not really sorry, but empathetic to your feelings:)
ReplyDeleteYou will NEVER regret having four children and sometimes I'm a little jealous you have one more child to adore you, and be your friend for life. You do this mom thing so well, and I'm proud of you.
42 with a "not quite 3 year old"! I often have those "coffee and chocolate" kind of days. And I don't even drink coffee! But as I long for those days of freedom, I anxiously dread the day I put her on the bus for the first time. Motherhood is such a crazy mix of emotions!
ReplyDelete